A little 80's (or maybe 70's?)flashback for you to start this entry.
TK (Trauma Kid for my newcomer readers) really hurt my feelings this weekend. (More on the specifics of that later.) At first I mentally told myself to get over it; I'm 52 years old for heaven's sake. Then I stopped and thought about how often TK and I talk about her feelings. I always tell her she is allowed to feel however she feels, but how she reacts to those feelings is the key - and the challenge. I realize that as Trauma Mamas/Trauma Dads/Trauma Caregivers we often discount our own feelings. We are so focused on what our TKs are feeling that we forget to look at our feelings and accept them as neither good nor bad, just real. It's real that we are at times exhausted/depleted/frustrated/sad and yes, even angry. It's real that we are resentful/jealous and did I mention exhausted? We are so busy dealing with our TKs' emotions that we don't put much stock in ours. Just like our TKs, we have the right to our feelings. They are valid and warranted and not at all "bad". It is our feelings that make us the warrior Mamas/Dads/Caregivers that we are. Feelings of love and compassion move us forward past the hurt/anger/sadness and into that place of grace and growth.
On to specifics....
Something surprising happened this morning and I yelped, "Oh my gosh!" (We don't say that in our family. We say "oh my goodness" or "oh my word"). TK immediately reprimanded me and smacked my arm. (TK is now 5'3" and 109 pounds, so when she doesn't hold back and swings full on, it hurts.) Being in that place of depletion and exhaustion mentioned above, I didn't react in full on Trauma Mama mode. I also didn't go fully into reactive mode (yea for me).....I shot down the middle. I immediately barked, "We do NOT hit in this family. I do not hit you and you do NOT hit me!" She huffed, "Sorry" and stomped off to her room. I was fuming and decided to walk the dog and cool off. I stuck my head in her room to tell her what I was doing.
I returned about 20 minutes later, a bit cooler headed but honestly still pretty peeved. I took a deep breath and went to talk with TK. I told her she was allowed to be angry but she needed a different way to express that anger. She went into scared trauma mode and started listing her grievances. This was pretty much a rehash of the night before. I was smart enough to recognize that there was something deeper going on here, but I wasn't in a mental spot to take it on. So I let it slide. At the end she said, "Sometimes I'm just sick and tired of you!" (Thus the hurt feelings mentioned above). I told her I was going to go in the other room for a bit. (Yes, I went to sulk.) I wasn't honestly sure how to address this, and I knew some of it was puberty (that really should be a four letter word!). People
often ask me how I know if her "trauma moments" are from trauma or
puberty. I've decided it doesn't matter. Fear is fear, no matter what
the cause, so I address it as if it's trauma driven. That seems to work
for us (most of the time).
Later TK and I went to the bookstore to buy some gifts for a family party. On the way there she apologized for "being mean" and told me she was scared about a lot of little things. None of them are a big deal, but the combo is overwhelming to her tween mind.
We managed to recalibrate and make the rest of the day happy, silly, and relatively peaceful. I love that about us. We are both willing to admit we goofed up and move past it. Honestly some days she does it better than I do. I love seeing that grace in action.
You give your TKs the grace to feel what they feel and not always respond appropriately; give yourself the same grace. Acknowledge ALL your feelings. Recognize they don't control you, but they might just inspire you. Or they may just make you want to pull the covers over your head and cry - and that's okay too. Hang tough, Trauma Mamas.
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