Why am I still surprised when I'm surprised? (aka "well duh")

Yesterday.......an up and down, frustrating, eye-opening kind of day.  TK woke up early, happily came out of her room with clothes on, hair brushed, full of smiles.  She ate breakfast and went to her room to play on her iPad before school.  I went  in to tell her we were leaving in about 15 minutes, and she said, "No, Mom, I don't want to go."  I pretty much ignored it and went back out of her room.  I went back in when it was time to leave and immediately got tears and "I'm not going. I hate that school."  To my credit, I recognized the "I hate that school" for what it was - not a statement about school, just a way of saying she was scared.  To my discredit, I blew it off because I was not in the mood for yet another chapter of "transition is scary."  I was in my "suck it up and get over it" headspace......which is about as far removed from what TK needed as I could get. 

After about 15 minutes of drama (which I admittedly engaged in full on), I finally got back into my Trauma Mama headspace and chilled out enough to listen.  It was REALLY cold outside, and there were snow flurries.  We got into the car (yes, I was still totally frustrated but had stopped fussing at her at least; she was still crying but not sobbing......which was about as close to okay as it was going to get at that moment) and headed to school.  As we passed her old school (about 3 minutes into our 25 minute ride), she said, "I miss how close my old school was.  Even if it snowed I knew you could get me."   

There it was --- the "well duh" moment. I said, "Are you scared because I'm 25 minutes away when you're at your new school?"  TK said, "Mommy (a sure sign she's scared), what if if we have bad weather and you can't get to me?  What if I get hurt and you can't get to me?"   I just said, "Wow, that is a scary thought.  I bet that's why it's so hard when we're leaving for school."  My sweet, smart, sarcastic girl says, "Ya THINK?"  I told her I would ALWAYS get to her. If the weather looked bad we wouldn't go to school that day, or if turned bad I would leave BEFORE it started snowing to make sure I would get there. Then I apologized for not realizing she was scared by the distance.  Her response, "Yeah, you should have figured that out."   Can't argue with her!

When we got to school the director and her teacher both told her if there was bad weather they would stay with her until I got there, or would bring her home, or meet me between school and home.  Counting my blessings that those sweet people got it, acknowledged her fear and worked to ease it.

We ended up going back home together yesterday.  I wasn't thrilled, but we bundled up, jumped on the trampoline, drank hot chocolate and laughed and executed a full-on re-do from the morning. And this morning we headed to school with no drama at all. Sometimes you have to move backward or at least stand still before you try to go forward again.

I am honestly surprised when I am surprised. Sometimes I think I have this pretty much figured out, then something like this happens and I wonder how on earth I didn't get it.  It always goes back to fear. Sometimes in my fatigue I forget that and just go at the surface issue.  That's a sure-fire way to go off the cliff.  If I can breathe and remember that it's fear talking, not obstinance, not defiance, we can move forward.  Most times I can, but sometimes we just go off the cliff.

So yeah, I blew it.....as I undoubtedly will again. But our family totally believes in "re-dos", and we extend each other the grace to execute a re-do as often as we need one.....even when (especially when) we don't want to.  Sometimes TK can't extend me a re-do right when I ask for one (and she'll tell me, "Mom, I just can't do that right now.  Give me some time."), but inevitably she'll grant my re-do.   That, my friends, is grace.

Grace yourselves with unlimited re-dos.  There is healing in failing and trying again.  The failing stinks, but admitting it to your TK and asking for grace to try again is a healing thing.  It builds their faith and tolerance for other people goofing up when they know even the people that love them most in the world goof up but fix it.

Our TKs don't need us to get it right every time. They need us to own it when we flub it, ask for a re-do and thank them when they grant it. They need us to keep trying so they know they are worth the effort.

So take some grace and hold onto it for your next goof up.  I'm holding on to some grace for mine.